Building Trust
By T. F. Tenney
The word “build” connotes tools and the expertise to handle them. Two of the greatest tools for respect are actions and words. The scriptures say that by Him actions are weighed. It’s not just what you say, but why and how. What is the motive behind what you do and say? How are our actions and words interpreted? These are the things that build trust, respect and confidence.
Warren Bennis claims that trust is one of the basic ingredients of leadership. He adds: “Integrity is the basis of trust, which is not so much an ingredient of leadership as it is a product of it. It is the one quality that cannot be acquired but must be earned. It is given by co-workers and followers and without it the leader cannot function. Trust is the foundation upon which relationships in every setting are built.”
Charles Christian, in one of his periodicals, gave ten rules for respect. I want to utilize them with my own comments added in. Let’s take a slow mental journey, stopping occasionally to ask, “Are these my tools and am I handling them properly?”
- If you have a problem with me, come to me privately. All of us have been disappointed by hearing others pre-judge us without ever having inquired of our own rationale for the problem at hand. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It’s not just the golden rule, it’s the only rule.
- If I have a problem with you, I’ll come to you privately. One of the questions I have most asked people in conflict with one another is, “Have you been to them privately?” After all, this is what our Lord taught. It would amaze you to know how many private things could stay private without going public if you would just go and ask, “Did you say this?” or “Did you do it?” or “Why?”
- If someone has a problem with me and comes to you, send them to me. I’ll do the same for you. Just recently a man called me with reference to something he alleged a friend had done. My retort was immediate. “Have you been to him?” He said, “No.” I said, “Let me advise you. Before you make another call, or discuss this any further, go to him immediately.” I found a few days later that he had done that and the problem was solved. Reconciliation came. If he had not have done it, he would have simmered, stewed, cooked, and finally ended up half-baked over something that mattered very little. If it matters little, make little of the matter.
- If someone consistently will not come to me, say, “Let’s go to the pastor together. I am sure he will see us about this.” Again, I promise I’ll do the same to you. Third party involvement at this juncture can be important. If they don’t want to just discuss it with you, offer to bring another authority figure in on the discussion.
- Be careful how you interpret me. I’d rather do that. Perception is everything. Something can be repeated and a wrong perception or slant given on words or actions. On matters that are unclear do not feel pressured to interpret my feelings or thoughts. It’s easy to misinterpret my intentions.
- I will be careful how I interpret you. That, too, is a promise. I may have seen or heard what you did. But I’ve not heard why you did it.
- If it is confidential, don’t tell it. The second rule to this is - Be sure and don’t tell it. And the third rule is, if you don’t want it repeated, don’t tell it. Recently I had a brother who was discussing a situation with me. He kept prodding me and finally said, “I know that you know the truth of this matter.” I looked at him and said, “There are some things I will carry to my grave.” He looked back at me and said, “I’ll accept that.”
- I do not read unsigned letters or notes. I have a round file called a wastebasket that’s full of them. Occasionally, I might glance - but the first thing I do is look to see if it was signed. And, sometimes, even when it’s signed sometimes it’s necessary to “consider the source.” Cain was mad at God but he took it out on his brother.
- I do not manipulate. I will not be manipulate. Do not let others manipulate you. There’s a difference in motivation and manipulation. If you are manipulating, it is strictly for your own advantage. If you are motivating, it is for the advantage of all.
- When in doubt, just say it. The only dumb questions are those that don’t get asked. Vernon Grounds was president of Denver Theological Seminary for years. At his retirement he was asked if there was anything he would do over in his career. He said, “Yes, I would quit playing God. There would be times when I’d look across the desk at my inquisitioner and say, “I don’t have the foggiest idea what you ought to do.” There are times when I just don’t know.
There you have it. I have often said that loyalty and respect are never demanded; they are earned. I tell preachers often that an election may give you the title of pastor, but only living with them gives you that position in their hearts. I end with the words of John Maxwell, “Respect is almost always gained on difficult ground.”
